Dogs have four legs, just like chairs. I would take mine for... - Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"When it’s raining, instead of using an umbrella, try holding an empty drinking glass above your head. That’s exactly how I thirst for your love."

"The going rate for love is going away. And the more you go away, the more expensive it gets."

"Man has two legs and chairs have four, because we were made to stand out, not sit down—or be sat on. You are your brand—you are not a piece of furniture. Well, this applies to everyone except my grandma, but she’s dead, so she really doesn’t mind being used as a coat rack."

"I had eggs for breakfast. I ate them off the hood of a politician’s car, after I threw them there."

"Once a Ponce a time she made me feel like a conquistador. Now her memory is just a breeze seen in swaying Spanish moss."