"I can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue. Now, if only I could do the same with my shoelaces, I wouldn’t have to banana pudding my way to success."
"His shelf. Good. Noodle dust. Decaying brain collecting dust. Must insert it back in skull—what was I thinking?"
"Love is like a forest, I think as I kill trees by squandering toilet paper while “decorating” my ex girlfriend’s front yard."
"I can read lips. Especially if they have words tattooed on them."
"There’s truth in only having a bicycle seat. I used to skip class and just hold it out in the hallway. When teachers would ask me what I was doing, I’d hold it up and say, “Sorry I’m late."
"I go to sleep in my business suit, because it makes my dreams of success seem more real."