"I can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue. Now, if only I could do the same with my shoelaces, I wouldn’t have to banana pudding my way to success."
"A farm is a business, and I ran mine into the ground. The next year it grew back."
"I skimmed the pond scum with a spoon like broth in a soup bowl. Why does everything have to remind me of her?"
"In my laboratory, I use science to measure love. Whatever you do, don’t drink out of beaker number two."
"One of the most productive ways a government can spend money on the people is by building more prisons. That’s what makes the US so great. That’s what freedom is all about."
"I cut an inch off of every straw I see, just to make the world suck a little less."