I have a doctorate degree from the School of Hard Knocks. I... - Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"Both of the items were used in an attempted murder, but hers was a dagger, and mine was a baby’s rubber bottle nipple. That was the last time I took a stab at love."

"He’s right-handed, so I told him to draw his self-portrait with his left hand, because it’d look so ugly it’d look realistic. Since he’s a DC politician, I figured a little reality was needed in his life."

"I’m learning to play the saxophone so when you feel lonely I can come over and stand in the shadows and play it for you. Two is one too lonely for me."

"The sides of buildings should be like the tops of lakes. I’d fish through your window hoping to catch a smile."

"I’m hard to love, but I love hard, like my heart is the sun yearning to tan your naked body. I promise I won’t burn you."