"I just sprayed cologne on my hand and then pet the back of my cat's head while he slept, and he woke up so confused, trying to sniff behind his neck and all around wondering what sweet attack he was under."
"Midnight is Hellen-Kelleresque, so if you ask me if I’m seeing anybody, I’ll ask you what time it is. Answers are always between 12:01 AM to 11:59 PM."
"An empty coffee cup is full of hope. Now there’s something worth voting for."
"Life is about having an attitude of gratitude. And grabitude. Seriously, you’ve got to take stuff. What, do you think someone’s just going to hand you what you want?"
"If what you wear says more about who you are then what you say when you speak, then my advice is to keep quiet and wear loud clothing."
"I have a deep respect for shallow pockets. They keep politicians honest."