I once tried to light a joint with a fire ant, but what did... - Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"I think eulogies are wasted on the dead. It’s the living who need to hear kind words spoken about them."

"If you’re going to hang around and watch me write, you might as well have a noose around your neck. Would you mind if I kicked the chair out from under your feet? You’re standing on my only place to sit."

"Dinner was a riot, but the food was bland, so I doused it with pepper spray. The chef wanted to protest, but he didn’t, because I had the pepper spray."

"The heart is man’s treasure, and that’s why it’s locked in a cage of ribs with only one key. The key isn’t metal or material—it’s the feeling of love."

"All my failures as a human being I blame on my father. Life is about accepting responsibility, and it’s time my father started being held accountable for my deficiencies."