"If I told you that my global audience has shot up 100% in the last six months, what would you say? If you were to say, “So you went from one reader to two readers?” you’d be absolutely correct. And after I had congratulated you on your keen guess, I’d thank you for being 50% of my reading base."
"I just bought a bag of potato-chip-flavored air. I also bought a bed, but sleep wasn’t included. Thank God a cup of coffee is full of wakefulness."
"My feet are dense with dance. I move like I’m wearing concrete boots and I’m trying to tread water. If the music is salsa, I may start gargling."
"Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone."
"I don’t remember my birth. I guess I got dementia at a young age."
"Last time I had sex I was so good I got a standing ovation. Well, actually, I just got the clap."