"Love is a boomerang dripped in honey, in that it emanates from me just as surely as it will return to me. Still, I think I’d much rather wash my hands and be done with it."
"Combine a fog machine and a cotton candy maker to create delicious mystery. This is the heart of romance."
"When people ask me how I slept, I tell them I don’t know—I’ll have to ask The Professor, and read his notes on my performance."
"In my memory her love shimmers, glimmers, and glitters the way light on black water reflects like diamonds, the treasure that was us."
"You used to love me. Let me help jog your memory by buying you some running shoes. The shoes will be wooden, and nailed to the floor."
"I just invented a hug machine. It’s solar powered so you can use it when you feel depressed, like on a cloudy day. Shit."