"My boxers should require batteries, because I’m such an exceptional lover that pizza delivery people call me for carry out. 30 minutes or less—as if!"
"I know a thing or two about love. Well, maybe just a thing. A big, blurry thing, like Bigfoot."
"If I had no penis, how would I pee? How would I make love? How would I think?"
"You catch more flies with honey than you do with chopsticks. Let this be a lesson in love."
"I blew the love trumpet until my cheeks were blue. Then I paid 34 bucks for a taxicab ride home so I could admire my receding hairline in the mirror."
"Her love was like cigarette smoke stirred into coffee. I drank it so fast it made me cough, but she’s not offering a refill at any price."