"Professional wrestling is a lot like cuddling, I thought as I hugged a tree. As far as lumberjacks go, I’m slow, but when the tree finally falls for me, it falls hard."
"Silver is an investment. It’s like a second-place future. Makes me want to create Michael Phelps-flavored ice cream and eat a whole tub."
"I had a second friend come over to my house, and do you know what I called her? A refill. If relationships aren’t drinkable, why do we thirst for them so much?"
"0 plus 100 equals 100. But so does 50 plus 50, only with more balance. Let this be a lesson in love."
"I think I’m mouth blind and that’s why all food tastes bland. The only things that have any flavor are the words I love you."
"Too many abused beers have suffered in the name of networking. Let us find a better way to mix torture and business."