"Professional wrestling is a lot like cuddling, I thought as I hugged a tree. As far as lumberjacks go, I’m slow, but when the tree finally falls for me, it falls hard."
"I put the sing in single—especially when I’m in the shower. Does anybody have any requests they’d like to shout out while the water’s getting hot? As always, silence all cell phones during the duration of my performance."
"We made love like a goat has four legs like a table. If your dining room table can walk, it’s best to eat while sitting in wheelchairs."
"I'm asexual, though occasionally I'm attracted to inanimate objects. Mainly tube-shaped objects."
"When I lost her I gained the future, because she was my past, and she freed me to become who I was born to be."
"Her love is more aww than awe, and even if were awesome, I want aweall, not merely some awe. I’m greedy for the amazing."