"She was washing all the dishes by hand, so I bought her a machine. I bought her a lawnmower. That’s what you do when you’re in love."
"I often wear camouflaged pants so when I walk I look like a floating torso. I love with the same air of mystery."
"I’d rather have 100% of 5 than 50% of 10—especially with love."
"In a blind taste-test, my kisses were rated as Helen Kelleresque. Women love how the only sense I keenly possess is nonsense."
"Making benches is no walk in the park. It takes one a lot of love to make a bench, and then it takes two to make love on that bench."
"My love is rare, like a hornless unicorn."