"This Valentine’s Day rent a poem for your loved. They come in three sizes—small, medium, and romantic. Free refills available to Premium Members."
"You can’t win in love. But if you could, I’d be the clear victor. Vodka is also clear, and I must be drunk."
"She said she'd love me forever. That was two days ago, so I should probably ask her again if she still feels the same way."
"Instead of sidewalks, why not sideruns? After all, the pace of life is faster than it has ever been, so I think our infrastructure’s nomenclature should reflect that."
"I can’t use my intellect to figure out how to bypass my intellect. Love lies through the spirit, not the mind, and love never lies."
"I’d rather sell one thing for one million dollars, than sell one million things for one dollar each. I feel the same about my love and women."