"You can’t buy love, it’s true. However, I am offering mine for rent. Buy one year and get the next six months at half price."
"I’m running from the very person I’m chasing, and this is how I know I’m in love."
"In a blind taste-test, my kisses were rated as Helen Kelleresque. Women love how the only sense I keenly possess is nonsense."
"Life, it’s made up of two things—time and love. A watch tells one, but what tells the other? We tell each other."
"Love has a certain weightlessness to it, much as my meaty penis would on the moon."
"Love is like whoa! Actually, it's closer to woe."