#self-improvement-book

"The Dangers of Second Hand Smoke "Second hand smoke can be harmful becauseif you don't put out that fucking cigaretteI'm smashing your head open with this baseball bat."

"Lotto If I won a million bucks in Lotto,I'd give it to Charity.Charity gives great head."

"Love is a Gamble [10w] Love's a gamble ~ better lose than never spin the wheel."

"Fodder for Poets [10w] Childhood memories are the most seminal sustenance for creating poetry."

"New Year's Resolutions New Year's resolutions shouldn't be about doing new things;it should be about stopping to do the shitty things you're already doing."

"Save the Last Dance for Me Life is a Hesitation Waltz danced to swing time measure. We're all given the free will to suspend our moving foot or slowly drag it during the halt."

"Persistence If persistence is the foundation of all success, how come persistent liars and nags aren't more successful?"

"Grandma's Advice on Ambition "Children, if you aim for the stars you'll be impaled by small meteorites and become toast."

"Cookie Cutter Criticism A critic tried to fit my sense of humor in a cookie cutter,but it wouldn't fit his preconceived shape of what comedy should be.So he pressed harder, and harder and harder until the cookie cutter cut a cookie shaperight through the palm of his hand.It doesn't hurt anymore when the critic tries to slap me in the face.There's no more hot-air resistance."

"Poorly Hidden [10w] We're incapable of hiding arrogance, ambition or being in love."

"Love's War [10w] In love's war there aren't winners and losers ~just casualties."

"How to Exercise Caution [10w] Walk in the counsel of the wickedon your treadmill."

"Missed Childhood [10w] + {Couplet} Adolescence spent upon a cross,regrettably is childhood's loss."

"Elegance in Simplicity [10w] The more complex the problem,the simpler the correct answer."

"Miss Universe Contest Protest Haiku Fundamentalists protest Miss Universe contest.Go home, beat their wives."

"New Age Advertising ATTEND OUR REINCARNATION RETREATGuaranteed to be a once in a lifetime experience.Sure it costs $5000, but lets face it,you only live once."

"Babel [10w] Building a tower to reach God doesn't require any bricks."

"Heartbreak [10w] Heartbreak’s like a heart attack but without the hospital bills."

"Predestination [10w] 'Twas predestined that I'd call predestination a crock of shit."

"Pun vs. Puny [10w] + {Couplet} "His penis was a pun,judging by the predictable groans.The hours set by innuendos,the seconds by the moans."