"I peddle my wares as fast as I pedal my bicycle and petal my flowers, and that’s why my sales growth seems so slow. But given time, my brand will be in full bloom."
"Self-growth comes from being nurtured, not tortured. I had to learn this the hard way. On sale now: Iron Maiden. Only used once."
"I loved her as long as a midget. It was gruesome, and then I grew some."
"Tweeting is talking into the abyss, filling a void in your life by avoiding real human contact."
"Love burns. Whiskey burns. George Burns. What do all three have in common? They’re all dead to me."
"77 degrees in the fall feels cold, and 77 degrees in the spring feels hot. That’s why I’m selling year-round-nudity for half-price."