I think I’m mouth blind and that’s why all food tastes bland... - Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"They call alcohol spirits, because it’s the spirit turned liquid. Would you drink my soul if you knew I’d use it to get inside of you? After all, most men buy women alcohol so they can get inside them too."

"I make furniture that can be used as weapons. The most dangerous piece of furniture is the Loveseat."

"The world is a sad place today. I miss the good ol’ days. Gosh, why can’t I just go back to last weekend?"

"If I were splat proof, I wouldn’t be afraid of heights. Also, I wish I had a bouncy ball for a heart, so I could love fearlessly."

"What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He's a loser—that’s why he's number two."