#Dating

"My hobbies include rubbing my nipples across a cheese grater, meeting cat ladies on Tinder, and voting for either Democrat or Republican every four years. You could say I am a torture enthusiast."

"Whenever you have an ex, and they're like, 'I hope we can still be friends!' and you weren't friends before you started dating, then what do you go back to, really?"

"I'm about to make a wild, extreme and severe relationship rule: the word busy is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word "busy"is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact in every silo you uncover, all you're going to find is a man who didn't care enough to call. Remember men are never to busy to get what they want."

"Me and her, we’re both hiding who we really are. This is a common practice. It’s called dating."

"She asked me if I was seeing anybody else, and I said, No, the other woman is invisible."

"He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse."

"It is our wounds that create in us a desire to reach for miracles. The fulfillment of such miracles depends on whether we let our wounds pull us down or lift us up towards our dreams."

"I prefer long-distance relationships. If we were dating, would you be offended if I asked you to stand back a few feet?"

"She looked so sexy with her sixteen cats that I just had to swipe right, but when she messaged me first quoting Monty Python, I knew it was Tinder love. Maybe on the first date we’ll knit the blanket we’ll make love under."

"I’d love to create a personal profile on a dating site with a headline that reads, “Great Listener Seeks Mute Woman."

"A busy, vibrant, goal-oriented woman is so much more attractive than a woman who waits around for a man to validate her existence."