#sage-advice

"New Age Hype Don't 'honor your feelings.'Half the time they're full of shit.Don't 'embrace' anything without a pulse.Mindfulness should include not listening to quacks."

"Promising vs. Promises A promising life comes from a childhood without broken promises."

"Mmm Mmm Good Gimmick Campbell's Soup announced todayit's introducing 'QWERTY' soupfor our more computer literate children.Who are they kidding?They're just relabeling the old Alphabet Soup."

"That Jesus Kinda' Love [20w] What people do for the loveof their Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ,I wouldn't do for my fucking mother."

"Keep Your Day Job Bitch [10w] + {Couplet} If you've guessed that I'm blessed,augury ain't your strawberry."

"Nomad {Couplet} When your roots grow from the outside in,home becomes whatever place you're in."

"Biggest Problem with 10w [10w] The biggest problem with aphorisms is people believe they're true."

"Children and Food [10w] Once children order like grown-upsfood's lost its sweet innocence."

"My Secret for Out-of-the-Box-Thinking To help me writein my signature out-of-the-box style,I sit in front of my humidifier that I've filled up with Grey Goose vodka.My humidifier is now at Underwriters Laboratoriesin a 12-Step Programand buddied up with a de-humidifier."

"I [10w] 'I' is a wellspring in the desertoverflowing with life."

"Las Vegas Magic! I was the greatest magician in the world.Things were going great. My agent booked me to play the Mirage Hotel in Las Vegas for $100,000 per performance!When I got onstage everything suddenly disappeared.I'm not sure if it was allan illusion or a delusion,but I cashed the check anyway just to be safe."

"Over [10w] It's never ever over because the fat lady can't sing."

"Rat Trap Haiku 'Hmm, 12 by 13,4 by 9. Oy! You call thisrat trap an apartment?"

"How to End Racism [10w] The children of interracial marriages should look like panda bears."

"Object of Desire A woman knows she's the object of a unknown man's desirelike a game animal becoming aware it is being looked at."

"Pale Oak Leaves Scatter Pale oak leaves scatteraround my father's grave."For this I pay $30/month maintenance?"

"The Downside of Stuff {Couplet) I got what I want;I have what I need.But they want what I have,and they'll make me bleed."

"Transubstantiation [10w] Transubstantiate digression into confessionand drink from poetry's Holy Grail."

"The 2-Step Self-Discovery Program The first step in self-discovery is not giving a shit what anybody else thinks.The second step is knowing you're a self-centered asshole."

"Rationality vs. Madness [10w] Rationality maintains the world's status quo.Madness drives the change."