#self-esteem-self-help-book

"Lenny Bruce I'm going to be rich!I figured out how to get schlong-juice stains off of suede."

"Off the Hook True story...A cop pulls me over for speeding.He says, "What's the hurry?"I say, "I'm running awayfrom a bad marriage."He laughs and says, "Drive carefully."The officer lets me go.Beyond the practical lesson thatmaking a policeman laugh may get you off the hook,there's a certain poetry here in the unexpected connection ~for what is a poemif not a moment of surpriseworth retelling."

"The Moon The moon's a pearl among the starry gems,more cultured than the rest of them.A blemished diadem of charcoaled nightthat chaperons the sun back to the light."

"Pond(er) This [10w] Nobody wants to be:'Big fish in a little pond."

"Spontaneous Gift Giving [10w] Learn to give gifts spontaneously accompanied by a love note."

"Romantic Ring Ceremony Define this wedding ring,with which I betroth thee unto me forever,not by the confining boundaries of it's goldbut by the empty circle within -that perfect portal to your loving heartyou have opened for me, and me alone -as I have opened mine for you."

"Tapestry [10w] Life's a tapestry of mystery and miracles quilted by God."

"3 Surefire Ways to Win a Man You sucking my cock made our relationship interesting.You taking it up your ass made it meaningful.You cooking me dinner made it lasting."

"Credo of a Substitute Teacher I'm a 'sugar free' substitute teacher.I speak frankly and never gave any of my studentsa single word of encouragement.Why should I? Even after 10 years the school hasn't given me a pension, health insurance or paid sick leave.So fuck 'em.Fuck 'em all."

"Poorly Hidden [10w] We're incapable of hiding arrogance, ambition or being in love."

"Atheism [10w] Atheism is the tragic triumph of cold contemptuousness over gratitude."

"Choice vs. Disease [10w] People who label lack of control a disease evade responsibility."

"Thank You, Adobe [10w] Thanks to Photoshop,a picture isn't worth a single word."

"Six Minus Three Degrees of Stupidation [10w] Three degrees of stupid:stupidstupid squaredstupid stupid stupid"

"Death Ride Denied At the stables of your agonyDeath brought his morbid mareTo whisk you from your woeful wantsAnd coax you from your cares.A ride you did deny this princeAnd bid him soft farewell,Hoping the morrow must be brighter sinceYour yesterdays were hell."

"Disability [10w] Unconditional love can turn a child's disability into an advantage."

"Lost vs. Lost We get lost twice in life.The first stems from uncertainty,when we try to find what our dreams truly are.The more profound feeling of being lost is existential, and comes unforeseen, after we finally fulfill our dreams.To survive the latter, we must create an entirely new set of dreams."

"Bruges Belgium Haiku Behind a stack of grey Lego bricksyou wheeze up Belfry's 366 stepsand don't see a single bat."

"Fall in Love in Fall {Couplet} It would be more befitting to fall in love in the fall,for the leave's colorful dance of death, augurs the long haul."

"Upgrading [10w] Promise them the worldto get the universe in return."