Groucho Marx

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know."

"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today."

"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself."

"Humor is reason gone mad."

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."

"From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."

"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."

"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."