"If you convert a shower curtain to a dress, I’ll wear my waterproof dancing shoes. Together we’ll move so fluidly people will line up to get cleansed."
"Steel wool—it’s not just for washing dirty dishes. It also makes great underwear material. It’ll cure that itch to take on a lover by making you scratch."
"I love firm hugs. Statues are so affectionate. Well, at least compared to my ex wife."
"I’m not courageous. In fact, when I shadow box I wear boxing gloves that are outfitted with flashlights."
"Older doesn't necessarily mean wiser. Some trees live to be hundreds of years old, and what the fuck do they know?"
"My love burns for you like I’m an arsonist and marshmallows-on-sticks salesman. $2.99 each, or 5 for $10."