"33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins."
"This book comes with its very own logo (logo sold separately)."
"He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse."
"The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me."
"There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house."
"Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory."