humor

"If I shot an arrow and thought about an ass, would it surprise you if it hit Erik?"

"It crosses my mind that Cinna's calm and normal demeanor masks a complete madman."

"When I'm out of politics I'm going to run a business, it'll be called rent-a-spine"

"He said he wanted to trade lives with me, saying he wanted what I have. He must want for nothing, because that’s exactly what I have."

"A girl can still admire, can’t she? Even those who can’t afford to go in the store can still window-shop. Right? Knowing he wasn’t for me didn’t mean I couldn’t covet the merchandise."

"Touch her, and I'll freeze your testicles off and put them in a jar. Understand?"

"If you didn't grow up like I did then you don't know, and if you don't know it's probably better you don't judge."

"It seems that the young woman made some indelicate suggestion of a threesome...When I got there, Miss Nash was standing by the hot tub in a small bikini, pointing the business end of a SIG-Sauer P-226 at her fella and concerned members of the hotel staff, while dunking the scantily clad female's head under the water and asking, "Who's diving for clams now, bitch?"

"I’m not good at talking. Can’t I just nod my way through a conversation? It’s better than nodding off."

"I was a timid little guy when I was a kid. I used humor as a defense; I became the class clown. But deep inside, I felt real vulnerable."

"My type of humor is me not caring whether people know what I'm talking about or not."

"There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing."

"You probably found 'How to Survive a Robot Uprising' in the humor section. Let's just hope that is where it belongs."

"This was not a fairy-tale castle and there was no such thing as a fairy-tale ending, but sometimes you could threaten to kick the handsome prince in the ham-and-eggs."

"I'm not too modest of a person. I've got a pretty blue sense of humor."

"Fine! I'll throw on some clothes. Turn around. I'm in my pj's""I'm a guy. That's like asking a kid not to glance at the candy counter."

"Tacos.""Tacos?"I echoed.This seemed to amuse him. "Tomatoes, lettuce, cheese.""I know what a taco is!"

"My formula for life is very simple: in the morning, wake up; at night, go to sleep. In between I try and occupy myself as best I can."

"I meant what I said and I said what I meant. An elephant's faithful one-hundred percent!"

"In a girl I look for honesty above all, someone who I can carry on a conversation with, someone who has a good sense of humor, someone who's true to herself, and to top it, someone who can get ready for a date in less than ten minutes."