humor

"I just invented a device that eliminates vice. It looks like a bottle of booze, only it’s empty, because I just drank it."

"Life is worth living as long as there's a laugh in it."

"There are two typos of people in this world: those who can edit, and those who can't."

"Great earrings would be little speakers, so she can hear better. Or maybe she just wasn’t listening all those times I told her I loved her."

"I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, "Family Size,"and I thought, That's odd, I didn't know too many families showered together."

"The thirstiest bird is surely the swallow. My love is so fluid I’ll bet drinking it would give you the gift of flight."

"That craptastical, gutless, son-of-a-cactus-humping butt monkey!!"

"Life's greatest tragedy is not that it will someday end, but that most only live to follow directions and sometimes we end up totally lost."

"Women intrinsically understand human dynamics, and that makes them unstoppable. Unfortunately, the average man is less adroit at fostering such rivalries, which is why most men remain average; males are better at hating things that can't hate them back (e.g., lawnmowers, cats, the Denver Broncos, et cetera). They don't see the big picture."

"Throw in the humor, throw in that personality, try things you wouldn't normally try."

"Spike (to Giles) : Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes — 'Cuppa tea, cuppa tea... almost got shagged... cuppa tea'?"

"Some people say my humor focuses too much on stereotypes. It doesn't. It focuses on facts."

"A genius. A criminal mastermind. A millionaire. And he is only twelve years old."

"My stories are very somber, so I think I need the comic ingredient. Besides, life has so much humor."

"If you don't get everything you want, think of the things you don't get that you don't want."

"I was talking aloud to myself. A habit of the old: they choose the wisest person present to speak to"

"Making benches is no walk in the park. It takes one a lot of love to make a bench, and then it takes two to make love on that bench."

"I’m a fake fact factory. The things I make are the things I make up. Also, as a side business, I make love. Actually, I just made that up."

"It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever,"he said. "Have you thought of going into teaching?"

"Puns are the highest form of literature."