humor

"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana."

"I had a dream about you. You took a cruise, and I took a canoe. I paddled alongside your ship out into the Atlantic Ocean and down to the Caribbean. I shouted “I love you” the whole way, but you couldn’t hear me, probably because that man you were with was talking the whole time."

"Humor was not important only for me, humor was important for this nation for centuries, to survive, you know."

"If there’s gold in it, then the mine is mine. And if there’s no coffee in it, then the cup is yours."

"I’m an atheist and I thank God for it."

"Bishop was all done with the witty converstaion. 'Will you swear?'And Myrnin said, shockingly, 'I will.' And he proceeded to, a string of swearwords that made Claire blink. He ended with, '—frothy fool-born apple-john! Cheater of vandals and defiler of dead dogs!' and did another twirl and bow. He looked up with a red, red grin that was more like a leer. 'Is that what you meant, my lord?"

"Jesus!"Luke exclaimed."Actually, it's just me,"said Simon. "Although I've been told the resemblance is startling."

"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"

"I have gone temporarily deaf and haven't any idea what you said, Harry."

"The thing about For Better or Worse is the only thing that made me an okay director for that is that I have a sense of humor, and it was supposed to be funny."

"Run first,' Shane said. 'Mourn later.'It was the perfect motto for Morganville."

"I spray-paint my underwear gold, because it makes me feel like a winner. When two people are in love, one is always in second place."

"To love is easy, to be in a relationship is extremely difficult."

"Arthur: If I asked you where the hell we were, would I regret it?Ford: We're safe.Arthur: Oh good.Ford: We're in a small galley cabin in one of the spaceships of the Vogon Constructor Fleet.Arthur: Ah, this is obviously some strange use of the word safe that I wasn't previously aware of."

"I know all those words, but that sentence makes no sense to me."

"If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever."

"Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections."

"Principled hate is a hell of a lot stronger than "Boy, I wish you hadn't mummified me and thrown me into the lake"hate."

"I gave her a hundred dollar bill. She said, “Thanks, how can I repay you?” I replied, “Two fifties would be good, but three fifties would be better."

"Well then,"Roen said briskly, "are you sleeping?""Yes.""Come now. A mother can tell when her son lies. Are you eating?""No,"Brigan said gravely. "I've not eaten in two months. It's a hunger strike to protest the spring flooding in the south.""Gracious,"Roen said, reaching for the fruit bowl. "Have an apple, dear."