humor

"Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called."

"I can't begin to tell you how fulfilling the perennial nature of 'Elf' on television has been for me. It's great to be able to connect parents with children both emotionally and through humor."

"I like knocking on strangers’ doors, and when they answer and say hello, I respond, “I have returned, as prophesied.” Then I just stand there staring at them."

"They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered."

"I walked to work. I paced up and down the bus looking for a seat. Next time I walk to work I’m getting on my treadmill."

"If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?"

"Murphy hung up and I said, to the still-open line, "Hey, if you've got someone watching my place, could you call the cops if anyone tries to steal my Star Wars poster? It's an original."Then I vindictively hung up on the FBI. It made my inner child happy."

"I don't think my sense of humor has changed at all; I was born with this, for better or for worse."

"If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere."

"If after reading this book you come to my home and brutally murder me, I do not blame you."

"How in the name of Merlin's pants have you managed to get your hands on those Horcrux books?"

"How did you become blind, uh, Jeff is it?"Yeah, Jeff. Well, I looked directly at the sun, you know, the way they always tell you not to. If only I had listened."

"The covers of this book are too far apart."

"Life seems but a quick succession of busy nothings."

"The last time somebody pointed out that cowboys ride horses, not tricycles, I shot him. Of course, I waited until another gunslinger gunned him down, but nevertheless, I still shot him."

"Marry me, he says. I got all my own teeth, I wash twice a year an I'll cut you in fer half the business here."

"An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it makes a better soup."

"Ransom really looked at the other man for the first time, shook his head, stared again.“Holy hell, your eyes are like a fucking viper’s.” Venom raised an eyebrow.“You have hair prettier than one of Astaad’s concubines.” Ransom gave the vampire the finger. Venom grinned."

"Don't bite his face, Eleanor told herself. It's disturbing and needy and never happens in situation comedies or movies that end with big kisses."

"He who hesitates is a damned fool."