humor

"Every morning I push through the pain—and force myself to keep sleeping, despite my aching body’s cries to quit. I am a champion."

"Claire, did I invite you to my barbeque?"Massie asked, her neck tilting to the right and her arms tightly crossed."Huh? No. I mean, I don't know,"Claire said."Then why are you all up in my grill?"Massie said through her teeth."

"Can't you just like a girl who likes you back?''None of them likes me back. I may as well like the one I really want."

"It's not like there's a law against flying.""Yes there is. The law of gravity."

"Kindness is really important to me in finding my own prince - so are patience and a sense of humor. Without those qualities he's no Prince Charming!"

"I saw him do a No More Potatoes Dance, after he saw me stuff the last of the mashed potatoes in my pocket."

"The love of books is among the choicest gifts of the gods."

"A tornado is the ultimate coffee grinder. Just add water, and you’ll wake the whole trailer park."

"Immature poets imitate; mature poets steal."

"Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake."

"Four be the things I'd have been better without: love, curiosity, freckles and doubt."

"You know what I like most about people? Pets."

"I've always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don't say anything for shock value."

"I'm a sarcastic person, and people don't get my humor sometimes."

"I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think."

"If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I'd say, "Now."But you'd also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes fast."

"Sure, I am funny and have a good sense of humor. Mostly, though, I just tell the truth. The internal dialogue people have in their heads - I just write it."

"Don't bite his face, Eleanor told herself. It's disturbing and needy and never happens in situation comedies or movies that end with big kisses."

"Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies."

"So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life's A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed) Kid, you'll move mountains."