humor

"It’s easier to hide your smoking habit on a foggy day. Let that be a lesson for you and your secret lover."

"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure."

"When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout."

"Um...Mercer? Haven't seen you in nearly a month. I was expecting something like, 'Oh Cross, love of my heart, fire of my loins, how I've longed--"

"In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office."

"I think what is important for things to be funny is if you the listener, or the reader, get a chance to supply the humor of it yourself."

"If a dog doesn't put you first where are you both? In what relation? A dog needs God. It lives by your glances, your wishes. It even shares your humor. This happens about the fifth year. If it doesn't happen you are only keeping an animal."

"Different people have different ideas. We need to kill them—the ideas, not the people. The people we just need to torture."

"It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them."

"If you need me I’ll be sitting over there, on the ground, next to the empty chair. The emptiness always reminds me of your love."

"Life is a journey. Time is a river. The door is ajar"

"I'm a sarcastic person, and people don't get my humor sometimes."

"Try to find someone with a sense of humor. That's an important thing to have because when you get into an argument, one of the best ways to diffuse it is to be funny. You don't want to hide away from a point, because some points are serious, but you'd rather have a discussion that was a discussion, rather than an argument."

"Only a fool would say they’re not a fool. Well, I am not a fool, which is why I say I am a fool."

"Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken!"

"If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder."

"I think the thrust of any child is to try to fit in and be part of it. And I can't tell you how many times my humor, you know, what I thought was humor ended up making me the outsider. Like I'd be, I go, 'It's a joke.' And they'd go, 'Well, what was funny?' And they just thought I was insane."