humor

"Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst."

"I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them."

"I’ve changed, and she’s changed, but we haven’t changed together. We were in separate dressing rooms the whole time we dated."

"30% of the time I am successful 70% of the time. That’s 100% in my book—a book that happens to have a page count that’s 21% Reduced Fat."

"You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.It's really funny."

"Love burns. Whiskey burns. George Burns. What do all three have in common? They’re all dead to me."

"You look too pretty to be useful.""Truer words were never spoken."

"I have a 12:34 representational time dance. I do it at 3:33 every other Tuesday (twice a day). If you’d like to participate in my choreographed dance routine, bring a football helmet and a half empty can of tuna (keeps the stray cats away, because I perform in a gritty, grimy downtown alley)."

"It came charging toward me, several hundred pounds of angry-looking monster, and I did the only thing any reasonable wizard could have done.I turned around and ran like hell."

"Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?"

"Once the others were below, Hazel and Leo faced each other awkwardly. They were alone except for Coach Hedge, who was back on the quarterdeck singing the Pokémon theme song. The coach had changed the words to: Gotta Kill ’Em All, and Leo really didn’t want to know why."

"I'm gonna kill him,"Eve said, or at least that was what it sounded like filtered through the pillow.Stake him right in the heart, shove garlic up his ass, and-and-"And what?"(Michael)When did you get home?"Claire demanded.Apparently just in time to hear my funeral plans. I especially like the garlic up the ass. It's...different."

"Comedy, we may say, is society protecting itself - with a smile."

"I’m so sunburned I’m embarrassed, but you can’t tell I’m blushing because I’m sunburned. I’m so ashamed I could just lie on the beach and die."

"Things can be funny only when we are in fun. When we're 'dead earnest,' humor is the only thing that is dead."

"I'd never met coffee that wasn't wonderful. It was just a matter of how wonderful it was."

"If you need me I’ll be napping in the supplies closet. The most important part of an attack is the planning."

"Arthur blinked at the screens and felt he was missing something important. Suddenly he realized what it was."Is there any tea on this spaceship?"he asked."

"I had a missed call. It’s probably the all you can eat buffet calling to say, “Come back! We know you can eat just a little bit more."

"I'm not for gratuitous nudity, but if there's humor, I don't have a problem."