humor

"A great nose may be an indexOf a great soul"

"I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true."

"I spilled more times than a glass of milk on a roller coaster."

"A fire broke out backstage in a theatre. The clown came out to warn the public; they thought it was a joke and applauded. He repeated it; the acclaim was even greater. I think that's just how the world will come to an end: to general applause from wits who believe it's a joke."

"Ah, well,ʺ said Abe, idly studying his fingertips. ʺI have it on good authority thereʹs going to be a new ‘gateʹ opening up soon over on the south side of the wall."The truth dawned on me. ʺOh lord. Youʹre the one whoʹs been doling out C4.ʺʺYou make it sound so easy,ʺ he said with a frown. ʺThat stuffʹs hard to get a hold of."

"I liked you, cop. From the moment I met you. No… not the first moment. I wanted to kill you when I first met you. But then I liked you. A lot."

"Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Tyson pounding the Earthborn into the ground like a game of whack-a-mole. Ella was fluttering above him, dodging missiles and calling out advice: "The groin. The Earthborn's groin is sensitive."SMASH!"Good. Yes. Tyson found its groin."

"The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick and Colon."

"You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor."

"I'm not a psychopath, I'm a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research."

"Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."

"good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere"

"I like to have a martini,Two at the very most.After three I'm under the table,after four I'm under my host."

"I value humor, kindness, and the ability to tell a good story far more than money, status, or the kind of car someone drives."

"My humor is a lot like Kristen Wiig's from 'Saturday Night Live' or 'Bridesmaids.' Quirky, off the beaten path."

"I think great humor lies in playing the truth of a situation. I see myself as a performer and that applies to a Greek drama or a modern comedy."

"Stupid men are the only ones worth knowing after all."

"A slinky is a toy made for stairs, but that’s entirely too tiresome. What about a toy for escalators that doesn’t move and does nothing and that’s the whole point? I think Americans would relate to and embrace that mentality."

"Kevin Love has a last name that sums up my feelings for you. But then again, so does Renaldo Letsfucktonight."

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."