humor

"To alcohol! The cause of... and solution to... all of life's problems"

"30% of the time I am successful 70% of the time. That’s 100% in my book—a book that happens to have a page count that’s 21% Reduced Fat."

"We all long for something. Midgets long to be long, but I long to belong."

"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."

"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny."

"Jazz can be so serious, no sense of humor."

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

"As it turned out, everyone wanted a doughnut. Jace wanted two."

"I'm a humor writer, so I don't always present myself in the best light."

"One thing I would say is real cops have real gallows senses of humor and make incredibly funny and inappropriate jokes in the presence of dead people all the time."

"I just invented a hug machine. It’s solar powered so you can use it when you feel depressed, like on a cloudy day. Shit."

"I am a believer in free will. If my dog chooses to hate the whole human race except myself, it must be free to do so."

"Because teachers, no matter how kind, no matter how friendly, are sadistic and evil to the core."

"I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think."

"When the silent flamingo dances pink with desire, I’ll be there, sipping on owl stares and kitten curls."

"She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong."

"I have liquid lips, and my kisses are smooth as wine. Why pour you a glass when you can drink from the bottle?"

"We do not take humor seriously enough."

"When I buy a new book, I always read the last page first, that way in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is a dark side."

"I'm a grenade and at some point I'm going to blow up and I would like to minimize the casualties, okay?"