Woody Allen

"If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse."

"I think being funny is not anyone's first choice."

"Marriage is the death of hope."

"I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia."

"Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic."

"Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television."

"I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland."

"My brain? That's my second favorite organ."

"All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it."

"Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!"

"The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence."

"I read in self-defense."