Woody Allen

"Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon."

"I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic."

"Seventy percent of success in life is showing up."

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness."

"Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine."

"I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear."

"I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"God is silent. Now if only man would shut up."

"Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television."

"I read in self-defense."

"Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic."

"Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans."

"I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia."

"Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!"

"Marriage is the death of hope."

"Seventy percent of success in life is showing up."

"I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer."

"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."