humor

"I've always had a sick sense of humor, and I've always wanted that to permeate the music because I don't take myself seriously. I take the music seriously, but I know I'm not God's gift to anyone except my mom."

"No. Now, shut up and eat your pears."

"And next time you're planning to injure yourself to get me attention, just remember that a little sweet talk works wonders."

"This was not a fairy-tale castle and there was no such thing as a fairy-tale ending, but sometimes you could threaten to kick the handsome prince in the ham-and-eggs."

"Sigh""Did you just say sigh? out loud? instead of actually sighing?"Eye roll"

"They laugh at me because I'm different; I laugh at them because they're all the same."

"You can safely assume you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do."

"Man has two legs and chairs have four, because we were made to stand out, not sit down—or be sat on. You are your brand—you are not a piece of furniture. Well, this applies to everyone except my grandma, but she’s dead, so she really doesn’t mind being used as a coat rack."

"Magnus, standing by the door, snapped his fingers impatiently. "Move it along, teenagers. The only person who gets to canoodle in my bedroom is my magnificent self.""Canoodle?"repeated Clary, never having heard the word before."Magnificent?"repeated Jace, who was just being nasty. Magnus growled. The growl sounded like "Get out."

"Love is a bronze statue sinking in quicksand. But if I hand you a lasso, will you try to save the statue—or use the lasso to hang yourself? If you need me, I’ll be here to kick the chair out from under your feet."

"I've noticed that when people are joking they're usually dead serious, and when they're serious, they're usually pretty funny."

"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity."

"Basically, I have two speeds.... Hostile or smart-aleck. Your choice."

"I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything."Yeah, now if that isn't a hazard to our country … how are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we're all one?"

"Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?"

"If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder."

"I’ve spent a lifetime learning to love—the lifetime of a chameleon. But hey, I’ve learned a lot in the last year, though you couldn’t tell because I camouflage my feelings."

"MS. THOMPSON, it said in heavy block letters, PLEASE KEEP YOUR FELINE OFF MY PROPERTY. IF I SEE IT AGAIN, I WILL EAT IT."

"I’d heard you were dead.”"I heard you wear a red lace corset,” I said matter-of-factly. “But I don’t believe every bit of nonsense that gets rumored about."

"Whether it's viewers of the show or readers of my columns and books, I'm consistently impressed with their wit, humor and insight. That goes for about 95 percent of the audience. The other five percent are why the 'Delete' option and restraining orders were invented."