humor

"Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."

"Put your middle finger and your thumb together. And make it snappy."

"She'll be back,"Ranger said. "But not tonight."[Stephanie] "How'd you get her to leave?""Told her I was gonna spend the next twelve hours ruining you for all other men, and so she might as well go home."I could feel the heat rush to my face.Ranger gave me the wolf smile. "I lied about it being tonight,"he said."

"His name was Tom Tombstone, and if he had a middle name it was probably Death. But I didn’t call him Tom, or even Mr. Tombstone, because he introduced himself as Robert Winston. And I wondered how this stranger could shake my hand, look me in the eye, smile, and expect me to believe such a bold-faced lie?"

"My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes."

"Here’s to freedom, cheers to art. Here’s to having an excellent adventure and may the stopping never start."

"Poor David Hume is dying fast, but with more real cheerfulness and good humor and with more real resignation to the necessary course of things, than any whining Christian ever dyed with pretended resignation to the will of God."

"One glance and I knew exactly who and what he was. The classic alpha male, the kind who had spurred evolution forward about five million years ago by nailing every female in sight. They charmed, seduced, and behaved like bastards, and yet women were biologically incapable of resisting their magic DNA."

"I visited Jobs for the last time in his Palo Alto, Calif., home. He had moved to a downstairs bedroom because he was too weak to go up and down stairs. He was curled up in some pain, but his mind was still sharp and his humor vibrant."

"Shee, you guys are so unhip it's a wonder your bums don't fall off."

"We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart."

"My life is part humor, part roses, part thorns."

"Do you love him?"There were only a few people in the world who could ask me such insanely personal questions without getting punched. Dimitri was one of them."

"George Carlin is brilliant with words, and Johnny Winters is very creative. It's taking something common and drawing out the humor, being clever with words."

"No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session."

"The biggest challenge after success is shutting up about it."

"I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, "Family Size,"and I thought, That's odd, I didn't know too many families showered together."

"DON'T THINK OF IT AS DYING, said Death. JUST THINK OF IT AS LEAVING EARLY TO AVOID THE RUSH."

"Humor can alter any situation and help us cope at the very instant we are laughing."

"Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching. -- Dogbert's Motto"