"I love coffee cake, but I would prefer if it were just a little more drinkable. I almost choked while chugging some this morning, and if it weren’t for the fluid nature of clownfish, I might have caught feelings for Hillary using a basketball net."
"Selling something only to steal it back to sell again is not only dishonest, but highly profitable."
"She’s ignoring my texts. Maybe she’s dead. Oh, I certainly hope so. I’d hate to think she’s being deliberately unresponsive."
"I’m so sunburned I’m embarrassed, but you can’t tell I’m blushing because I’m sunburned. I’m so ashamed I could just lie on the beach and die."
"Be mindful and heartempty, because you've got no love left in it due to you having given it all away."
"I’ll bet opening a store called Boobs and Books would increase literacy. I prefer a hands-on approach to learning."