#humour

"Fever jumped aside just in time to dodge the shower of urine, and stumbled into the path of a religious procession - celebrants in robes and pointed hats whirling and clapping and chanting the name of some old-world prophet, 'Hari, Hari! Hari Potter!'"

"I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability."

"You don't want him,"she said to the pink-haired girl. "He has syphilis."The girls stared. "Syphilis?""Five percent of people in America have it,"said Ty helpfully."I do not have syphilis,"Mark said angrily. "There are no sexually transmitted diseases in Faerieland!"”Sorry,"Jules said. "You know how syphilis is. Attacks the brain."

"A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement"

"That craptastical, gutless, son-of-a-cactus-humping butt monkey!!"

"Ethan Wyeth: I hope you're thirsty."Gideon Wyeth:"Why?"Ethan: "Cause your dumb and ugly, but I can do something about thirsty."

"Headline?"he asked."'Swing Set Needs Home,'"I said."'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'"he said."'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'"I said."

"I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine."

"In life, more than in anything else, it isn’t easy to end up alive."

"Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up."

"I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers."

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."

"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"

"If you neglected to warn Djetth beforehand that you were going to shoot him down, Your Highness, he may consider you in breach of contract...-- Rhett"

"Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man, and our politicians take advantage of this prejudice by pretending to be even more stupid than nature made them."

"When the road ahead seems impossible, start the engine"

"Darling, when things go wrong in life, you lift your chin, put on a ravishing smile, mix yourself a little cocktail..."

"Of course I want to kill you,"said Skulduggery. "I want to kill most people. But then where would I be? In a field of dead people with no one to talk to."

"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans."

"I don't have a thing,"Tengo said, "except my soul.""Sounds like a job for Mephistopheles,"she said."