#humour

"Do you know what I think about crying? I think some people have to learn to do it. But once you learn, once you know how to really cry, there's nothing quite like it. I feel sorry for those who don't know the trick. It's like whistling or singing."

"Okay, this is the wisdom. First, time spent on reconnaissanse is never wasted. Second, almost anything can be improved with the addition of bacon. And finally, there is no problem on Earth that can't be ameliorated by a hot bath and a cup of tea."

"They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science."

"Jase props himself up on an elbow, looking at me for a minute without saying anything. His face gets an unreadable expression, and I wish I could take back walking over.Then he observes, “I’m guessing that’s a uniform.”Crap. I’d forgotten I was still wearing it."

"Sometimes the only way to succeed is to fail backwards"

"I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers."

"Ethan Wyeth: I hope you're thirsty."Gideon Wyeth:"Why?"Ethan: "Cause your dumb and ugly, but I can do something about thirsty."

"Just because he likes the same bizzaro crap as you doesn't mean he's your soul mate."

"It looked like the sort of book described in library catalogues as 'slightly foxed', although it would be more honest to admit that it looked as though it had been badgered, wolved and possibly beared as well."

"LORD ILLINGWORTH: The soul is born old but grows young. That is the comedy of life.MRS ALLONBY: And the body is born young and grows old. That is life's tragedy."

"A few years ago it dawned on me that everybody past a certain age ... pretty much constantly dreams of being able to escape from their lives. They don't want to be who they are any more. They want out. This list includes Thurston Howell the Third, Ann-Margret, the cat members of Rent, Václav Havel, space shuttle astronauts and Snuffleupagus. It's universal."

"I'm a poet, and I like my lies the way my mother used to make them."

"Will I have to use a dictionary to read your book?"asked Mrs. Dodypol. "It depends,"says I, "how much you used the dictionary before you read it."

"You don't want him,"she said to the pink-haired girl. "He has syphilis."The girls stared. "Syphilis?""Five percent of people in America have it,"said Ty helpfully."I do not have syphilis,"Mark said angrily. "There are no sexually transmitted diseases in Faerieland!"”Sorry,"Jules said. "You know how syphilis is. Attacks the brain."

"A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle."

"One of the disadvantages of almost universal education was the fact that all kinds of persons acquired a familiarity with one's favorite writers. It gave one a curious feeling; it was like seeing a drunken stranger wrapped in one's dressing gown."

"For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much—the wheel, New York, wars and so on—whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man—for precisely the same reasons."

"I'm too young, too smart and too good-looking to die."

"When you've been around as long as me, Lucy, you'll know that there are three types of sex... One - brand-new, kitchen-table sex. Two - bedroom sex. Then number three - hallway sex, when you pass each other in the hallway and say 'Fuck you.'"- Lockie"

"I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck."