#humour

"Shouldn't someone give a pep talk or something?"Minho asked, pulling Thomas's attention away from Alby."Go ahead,"Newt replied.Minho nodded and faced the crowd. "Be careful,"he said dryly. "Don't die."

"Will I have to use a dictionary to read your book?"asked Mrs. Dodypol. "It depends,"says I, "how much you used the dictionary before you read it."

"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans."

"I don't need to travel back in time to cause trouble. Seeing back through time finds me trouble enough!"

"Sometimes you know you've got a chance with a girl because she wants to fight with you. If the world wasn't so messed up, it wouldn't be like that. If the world was normal, a girl being nice to you would be a good sign, but in the real world, it isn't."

"If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them."

"FEAR stands for fuck everything and run."

"In life, more than in anything else, it isn’t easy to end up alive."

"A lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Millan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is, 'suck it, Jesus! This award is my God now'!"

"I don't suppose you would consider peaceful surrender?"

"I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable."

"If complete and utter chaos was lightning, then he'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting 'All gods are bastards!"

"Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future."

"Ethan Wyeth: I hope you're thirsty."Gideon Wyeth:"Why?"Ethan: "Cause your dumb and ugly, but I can do something about thirsty."

"Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other."

"What ho!"I said."What ho!"said Motty."What ho! What ho!""What ho! What ho! What ho!"After that it seemed rather difficult to go on with the conversation."

"Right. Because if you have trouble putting ketchup and mustard on a hot dog, you should totally move on to saving lives."

"People who can change and change again are so much more reliable and happier than those who can’t"

"When I touched her body,I believed she was God.In the curves of her formI found the birth of Man,the creation of the world,and the origin of all life."

"Knock yourself out... Or rather, don't."