#humour

"Just because he likes the same bizzaro crap as you doesn't mean he's your soul mate."

"Always buy pornographic books in hardback because they're easier to hold with one hand."

"That craptastical, gutless, son-of-a-cactus-humping butt monkey!!"

"I'm a poet, and I like my lies the way my mother used to make them."

"My shining dishonesty will be the salvation of me."

"A few years ago it dawned on me that everybody past a certain age ... pretty much constantly dreams of being able to escape from their lives. They don't want to be who they are any more. They want out. This list includes Thurston Howell the Third, Ann-Margret, the cat members of Rent, Václav Havel, space shuttle astronauts and Snuffleupagus. It's universal."

"Everybody does have a book in them, but in most cases that's where it should stay."

"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"

"His fingers lightly grazed my cheek. "I didn't know you before. When you're not there, I can't concentrate. I'm wondering where you are, what you're doing...if you're there and I can see you, I can see you, I can focus. I know it's crazy, but that's how it is.""And crazy is exactly the way I like it,"I said, leaning up to kiss his lips."Obviously,"America muttered under breath."

"Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping."

"People throw stones at you and you convert them into milestones."

"They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science."

"Do you know what I think about crying? I think some people have to learn to do it. But once you learn, once you know how to really cry, there's nothing quite like it. I feel sorry for those who don't know the trick. It's like whistling or singing."

"It's a sad day for American Capitalism when a man can't fly a midget on a kite over central park."

"Angelina leaned forward as Sara pulled Miki back to her, "You know what they say about curiosity? That it stabbed the annoying biker girl over and over and over again until she spit up blood."

"Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future."

"Right. Because if you have trouble putting ketchup and mustard on a hot dog, you should totally move on to saving lives."

"If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out."

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."

"Will I have to use a dictionary to read your book?"asked Mrs. Dodypol. "It depends,"says I, "how much you used the dictionary before you read it."