#humour

"Do you hate people?”“I don't hate them...I just feel better when they're not around."

"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher."

"Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it."

"One of the poets, whose name I cannot recall, has a passage, which I am unable at the moment to remember, in one of his works, which for the time being has slipped my mind, which hits off admirably this age-old situation."

"You realise you’re going to owe me dinner after this, right?”“How does McDonald’s sound?”“Inadequate."

"Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Heres Tom with the Weather."

"There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible."The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions."Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly."

"Right. Because if you have trouble putting ketchup and mustard on a hot dog, you should totally move on to saving lives."

"I am unable to believe in a God susceptible to prayer. I simply haven't the nerve to imagine a being, a force, a cause which keeps the planets revolving in their orbits, and then suddenly stops in order to give me a bicycle with three speeds."

"I wouldn’t have minded school if they taught you important things like how to have good sex and what brand of wine is the best… But for some reason they were hell bent on teaching me algebra"

"The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't."

"I don't suppose you would consider peaceful surrender?"

"My head’ll explode if I continue with this escapism."

"A lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Millan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is, 'suck it, Jesus! This award is my God now'!"

"I’m not aspiring to be someone else – If I’m me for the rest of my life then so be it"

"When I was your age, television was called books."

"If you cannot find an element of Humour in something, your not taking it seriously enough."

"Smirking, he says, "Whatever spell you just tried to cast on me, it didn't work, so I think you need to go back to Hogwarts."

"For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much—the wheel, New York, wars and so on—whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man—for precisely the same reasons."

"My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me."