#humour

"Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping."

"Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch."

"Okay, this is the wisdom. First, time spent on reconnaissanse is never wasted. Second, almost anything can be improved with the addition of bacon. And finally, there is no problem on Earth that can't be ameliorated by a hot bath and a cup of tea."

"Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future."

"That craptastical, gutless, son-of-a-cactus-humping butt monkey!!"

"May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch"

"A lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Millan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is, 'suck it, Jesus! This award is my God now'!"

"Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other."

"Shouldn't someone give a pep talk or something?"Minho asked, pulling Thomas's attention away from Alby."Go ahead,"Newt replied.Minho nodded and faced the crowd. "Be careful,"he said dryly. "Don't die."

"All we know of the Missing Link is that he is missing - and he won't be missed either."

"The boy knew that escaping school was the surest sign of his election."

"No bikinis on a first date.” He nods. “I’m sure that’s a rule. Or should be. For my sisters anyway."

"I'm too young, too smart and too good-looking to die."

"Life would be tragic if it weren't funny."

"I was flipping channels, watching this cheerleading program on MTV. They took a field hockey girl and “transformed” her into a cheerleader by the end of the show. I was just wondering: what if she liked field hockey better?"

"I'll go,"he said."And that's safer because?""I'm a guy.""Right, and having a pair of dingle balls makes you invincible how?"

"He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed."

"I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!"

"What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife."

"I don't have a thing,"Tengo said, "except my soul.""Sounds like a job for Mephistopheles,"she said."