Jarod Kintz, $3.33

"The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her."

"I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best."

"Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lovers."

"I got a new car. I just need to put it together. They’re easier to steal piece by piece."

"I just recently figured out how mirrors work. Pretty cool. That guy always hungrily staring at my naked body was me!"

"I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion."

"There is safety in numbers. And science. Clone your way to being safe. Nobody can protect you like you. And you and you and you."

"I like to vote, but not be voted on. I don’t mind losing one on one, but to lose through a vote means the majority think I’m a loser."

"I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. No, I’ve been feeling like my clone."