Jarod Kintz, $3.33

"I was going to change my clothes, but I changed my mind instead."

"There is safety in numbers. And science. Clone your way to being safe. Nobody can protect you like you. And you and you and you."

"The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK."

"If you tell me I look like someone you know, I might get panicked and think you’re on to me. I thought nobody saw me abduct that guy and steal his identity."

"I want to hire someone to stand outside my door and knock three times, with each knock being three years apart. At the end of the nine years I’ll reply, “Who is it?” And without delay or reply, the person on the other side of the door is to find a new job."

"A stationary bike is a device that epitomizes the phrase “hurry up and wait."

"Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lovers."

"I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything."

"I got a new car. I just need to put it together. They’re easier to steal piece by piece."