Jarod Kintz, $3.33

"The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her."

"I like to vote, but not be voted on. I don’t mind losing one on one, but to lose through a vote means the majority think I’m a loser."

"Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lovers."

"I feel like I could be the best, but I’m not going to openly admit that. At least not to any of my clones."

"The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her."

"If you work in a hospital, you can’t easily fake call in sick to work. Oh, you’re sick? Well why don’t you come in to work and we’ll have a look at it."

"I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion."

"On your birthday you should throw me a party. This is my advice for everybody, especially my clones."

"I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. No, I’ve been feeling like my clone."

"I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything."

"I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears."

"I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears."

"A stationary bike is a device that epitomizes the phrase “hurry up and wait."

"I feel like I could be the best, but I’m not going to openly admit that. At least not to any of my clones."

"There’s nothing funny about war. Well, aside from this joke Orafoura told me: What did WWI say to WWII? I wish I could tell you the punch line, but the restaurant was so noisy that I didn’t hear it. But I laughed anyway, because I’ll bet it was pretty funny."

"If religion is a crutch, then society is the broken foot."

"On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me."

"You’re used to being the smartest guy in the room. Solitary confinement will do that."

"I just recently figured out how mirrors work. Pretty cool. That guy always hungrily staring at my naked body was me!"

"She asked if I wanted to spoon with her, and I told her I didn’t want to stir things up."