Jarod Kintz, $3.33

"I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything."

"The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK."

"She asked if I wanted to spoon with her, and I told her I didn’t want to stir things up."

"There’s nothing funny about war. Well, aside from this joke Orafoura told me: What did WWI say to WWII? I wish I could tell you the punch line, but the restaurant was so noisy that I didn’t hear it. But I laughed anyway, because I’ll bet it was pretty funny."

"I am my own clone. I’m not who I was yesterday, but then again I am."

"I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion."

"I want to have a bunch of kids so I can open a factory and have free labor. Beat that, China!"

"Question for your life: If Socrates had a clone, would he advise that clone to know thy self, or to know myself, with myself in this case being himself?"

"If you tell me I look like someone you know, I might get panicked and think you’re on to me. I thought nobody saw me abduct that guy and steal his identity."

"I want to hire someone to stand outside my door and knock three times, with each knock being three years apart. At the end of the nine years I’ll reply, “Who is it?” And without delay or reply, the person on the other side of the door is to find a new job."

"The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her."

"Goodbyes, they often come in waves."

"I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. No, I’ve been feeling like my clone."

"I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best."

"His name is Randy Randy. Or maybe it’s Randy Randy. I always get his first and last names mixed up."

"There is safety in numbers. And science. Clone your way to being safe. Nobody can protect you like you. And you and you and you."

"I lost a little weight over the weekend. I cut my fingernails."

"Question for your life: If Socrates had a clone, would he advise that clone to know thy self, or to know myself, with myself in this case being himself?"

"A stationary bike is a device that epitomizes the phrase “hurry up and wait."

"On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me."