Jarod Kintz, $3.33

"You’re used to being the smartest guy in the room. Solitary confinement will do that."

"I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion."

"The fastest way to lose weight is to find religion and start fasting."

"I want to hire someone to stand outside my door and knock three times, with each knock being three years apart. At the end of the nine years I’ll reply, “Who is it?” And without delay or reply, the person on the other side of the door is to find a new job."

"I was going to change my clothes, but I changed my mind instead."

"I lost a little weight over the weekend. I cut my fingernails."

"I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. No, I’ve been feeling like my clone."

"If you tell me I look like someone you know, I might get panicked and think you’re on to me. I thought nobody saw me abduct that guy and steal his identity."

"I smiled, and you winked. I think. Perhaps you merely blink with one eye at a time."

"Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lovers."

"I’m a powerful being. I caused the night to turn into day. And I didn’t even try! I simply waited. I’ll bet I could even do it in my sleep."

"Goodbyes, they often come in waves."

"I lost a little weight over the weekend. I cut my fingernails."

"The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK."

"Question for your life: If Socrates had a clone, would he advise that clone to know thy self, or to know myself, with myself in this case being himself?"

"There’s nothing funny about war. Well, aside from this joke Orafoura told me: What did WWI say to WWII? I wish I could tell you the punch line, but the restaurant was so noisy that I didn’t hear it. But I laughed anyway, because I’ll bet it was pretty funny."

"A stationary bike is a device that epitomizes the phrase “hurry up and wait."

"Any lustful fool can love a million women, but only a real man can love one woman cloned a million times."

"On your birthday you should throw me a party. This is my advice for everybody, especially my clones."

"I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears."