Jarod Kintz, $3.33

"I was going to change my clothes, but I changed my mind instead."

"You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours."

"If sharks really can smell blood, then I’d imagine they’re all salivating over my erection right now."

"If religion is a crutch, then society is the broken foot."

"I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop."

"When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing."

"She asked if I wanted to spoon with her, and I told her I didn’t want to stir things up."

"On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me."

"A stationary bike is a device that epitomizes the phrase “hurry up and wait."

"On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me."

"I want to hire someone to stand outside my door and knock three times, with each knock being three years apart. At the end of the nine years I’ll reply, “Who is it?” And without delay or reply, the person on the other side of the door is to find a new job."

"The fastest way to lose weight is to find religion and start fasting."

"You’re used to being the smartest guy in the room. Solitary confinement will do that."

"Question for your life: If Socrates had a clone, would he advise that clone to know thy self, or to know myself, with myself in this case being himself?"

"I smiled, and you winked. I think. Perhaps you merely blink with one eye at a time."

"I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything."

"I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion."

"I lost a little weight over the weekend. I cut my fingernails."

"Goodbyes, they often come in waves."

"I feel like I could be the best, but I’m not going to openly admit that. At least not to any of my clones."