Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

"I saw him do a No More Potatoes Dance, after he saw me stuff the last of the mashed potatoes in my pocket."

"I have a 12:34 representational time dance. I do it at 3:33 every other Tuesday (twice a day). If you’d like to participate in my choreographed dance routine, bring a football helmet and a half empty can of tuna (keeps the stray cats away, because I perform in a gritty, grimy downtown alley)."

"Do I own my soul, or would two of my clones?"

"I love running. I’m not into marathons, but I am into avoiding problems at an accelerated rate."

"I want a 100% kind of relationship, and I’m willing to give it 50%."

"My dreams died nine months before I was born"

"No matter how far or long you carry it, my love doesn’t weigh a lot. But if you aren’t carrying it with you, it will weigh heavy on your mind."

"One thing I often get carried away with is piggyback rides."

"Respect doesn’t have to be shiny. It just needs to be wearable. Would you be so kind as to hold my jockstrap while I stir your hot coffee?"

"Too bad Americans can’t export Awesome, because I have boxes and boxes of the stuff just lying around in my attic."

"I inherited a pound from my British uncle. I’d have rather gotten a dollar, because what do I want with an animal shelter?"

"I saw him do a No More Potatoes Dance, after he saw me stuff the last of the mashed potatoes in my pocket."

"Insider trading is a serious crime. Do you know what the penalty for doing it is? Nothing, if you’re a member of Congress."

"I’m not good at talking. Can’t I just nod my way through a conversation? It’s better than nodding off."

"Webster’s—the original high definition entertainment."

"In the morning I brush my teeth with hope, and at night before bed I brush them with defeat. Both are mint flavored, so I try not to get them mixed up."

"I removed all the doors to our love, so you can’t lock yourself away from me. But I didn’t stop there. I also replaced the doors with metal detectors, so I could fondle you more efficiently, like the highly trained professionals do who run airport security."