Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

"It’s not: I jumped in, and it was cold. No. It was cold, and I jumped in. Always arrange a sentence so you appear to be fearless, when in fact you are far less than fearless—you are clueless."

"Respect doesn’t have to be shiny. It just needs to be wearable. Would you be so kind as to hold my jockstrap while I stir your hot coffee?"

"I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now."

"I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour."

"Do I own my soul, or would two of my clones?"

"I have a 12:34 representational time dance. I do it at 3:33 every other Tuesday (twice a day). If you’d like to participate in my choreographed dance routine, bring a football helmet and a half empty can of tuna (keeps the stray cats away, because I perform in a gritty, grimy downtown alley)."

"I removed all the doors to our love, so you can’t lock yourself away from me. But I didn’t stop there. I also replaced the doors with metal detectors, so I could fondle you more efficiently, like the highly trained professionals do who run airport security."

"I want a 100% kind of relationship, and I’m willing to give it 50%."

"Two one-armed people might seem perfect for each other, but what if they’re both missing the same arm? Then even something simple like holding hands while walking becomes a case of they’re too similar to see themselves really going anywhere as a couple."

"No matter how far or long you carry it, my love doesn’t weigh a lot. But if you aren’t carrying it with you, it will weigh heavy on your mind."

"I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now."

"If we make it out of this alive, I’ll kill you. So you have that to look forward to."

"Would women find vampires even sexier and more romantic if instead of fangs they had rose thorns? It’s thoughts like these I think of when digging in my garden, looking for my one true love (If only I could remember where I buried her!)."

"I inherited a pound from my British uncle. I’d have rather gotten a dollar, because what do I want with an animal shelter?"

"I had an out-of-body experience so strange that it felt normal. You see, my soul, or essence, had left my body and went and inhabited the body of my clone. So I wasn’t in my body, and yet I was. Or maybe none of that happened, and I was just in a delirious, sleep-deprived state."

"When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out that this door needs to be pulled to be opened."

"At first sign of crisis, the ignorant don’t panic because they don’t know what’s going on, and then later they panic precisely because they don’t know what’s going on."