Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

"I wouldn’t even be the “world’s sexiest man” if the planet were populated entirely by my clones."

"Only the living can read. This means that when I write, my target market is people of the future. Greetings, people of the moon!"

"I’m hungry for success. And lasagna."

"God ordered the world and all things in it, and I ordered a pizza and all things on it."

"At first sign of crisis, the ignorant don’t panic because they don’t know what’s going on, and then later they panic precisely because they don’t know what’s going on."

"I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now."

"I believe I believe I can succeed, and this belief is the foundation for my belief."

"Would women find vampires even sexier and more romantic if instead of fangs they had rose thorns? It’s thoughts like these I think of when digging in my garden, looking for my one true love (If only I could remember where I buried her!)."

"When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out that this door needs to be pulled to be opened."

"It’s not: I jumped in, and it was cold. No. It was cold, and I jumped in. Always arrange a sentence so you appear to be fearless, when in fact you are far less than fearless—you are clueless."

"You just tell me when and where, and not only will I not be there, but I’ll also be late."

"I had a missed call. It’s probably the all you can eat buffet calling to say, “Come back! We know you can eat just a little bit more."

"The canvas isn’t empty. It’s full of whatever you imagine it to be full of. My art is so conceptual that not only do I not tell, but I don’t even show. All I do is sign the canvas and try to sell it."

"The decision to empty my mind was a no-brainer."

"I inherited a pound from my British uncle. I’d have rather gotten a dollar, because what do I want with an animal shelter?"

"Insider trading is a serious crime. Do you know what the penalty for doing it is? Nothing, if you’re a member of Congress."

"One thing I often get carried away with is piggyback rides."

"I need a Caution: Slippery When Wet sign, because I just spilled my ego all over the floor."

"It’s not: I jumped in, and it was cold. No. It was cold, and I jumped in. Always arrange a sentence so you appear to be fearless, when in fact you are far less than fearless—you are clueless."

"In the morning I brush my teeth with hope, and at night before bed I brush them with defeat. Both are mint flavored, so I try not to get them mixed up."