#humor

"V-Day…if you need this one day in a year to show everyone else you truly care for “your loved one” I think it’s quite stupid. I hate this commercialism. It’s all artificial, and has nothing to do with real love."

"Disability [10w] Unconditional love can turn a child's disability into an advantage."

"Don’t call me babe. I’m not a floozy. Or a freaking talking pig."

"Every intelligent being, whether it breathes or not, coughs nervously at some time in its life."

"All persons, living and dead, are purely coincidental."

"Okay, that one's pretty good,"Fred acknowledged, after she'd told him a particularly filthy joke. "But have you heard the one about the baker's wife?""No,"Kyra said."Rumor has it, she married him for his buns."Fred burst out laughing.Kyra groaned. "Okay, that was just bad."

"Laughter and The Chosen [10w] Making people laugh is God's gift to the Chosen People."

"The first step to running a successful business, is printing out pictures of all the luxury items you’re going to buy once you get rich."

"Me and Katy look adorkable in extraterrestrialhighway shirts. You would just look stupid. You can thank me later."

"Divine Write [10w] To write is to divinely dabblein infinite alternate realities."

"❞ [10w] "Let's cuddle like a quotation mark filling a blank page."

"Consolation [10w] Man finds consolation in love, laughter and Ben & Jerry's."

"A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?"

"Still Hangin' in the Child Hood [20w] You can spend an entire lifetime trying to be a child again,or never lose your childhood to begin with."

"What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He's a loser—that’s why he's number two."

"Part of the appeal of the fantastic is taking ridiculous ideas very seriously and pretending they're not absurd."

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

"You're kidding,"Shane said. "Do you think I want to visit Crazy McTeeth in his lair of insanity?""No,"Claire said, "but I'm pretty sure you won't like it if I go alone when I just kind of promised to be with you. So...?""Right. I've been missing Nutty McFang anyway.""Stop making up names for him.""What about Count Crackula?""Just stop."

"I want to be the first and second man to dance on the moon. No, I won’t moonwalk. But I will Cha Cha—with my clone."

"The last time I wore an animal hide; but this time I settled for this."Eric had been wearing a long trench coat. Now he threw it off dramatically, and I could only stand and stare. Normally, Eric was a blue-jeans-and-T-shirt kind of guy. Tonight, he wore a pink tank top and Lycra leggings[...]They were pink and aqua, like the swirls down the side of Jason's truck."