#humor

"Fame [10w] Fame has a funny way of rewriting your entire past."

"Fiction was invented the day Jonah arrived home and told his wife that he was three days late because he had been swallowed by a whale.."

"I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall."

"Was this some new level of depravity? Had he developed a spinster fetish?"

"Quit making shade while I’m trying to make noon. Go put on a blindfold and act like midnight. There’s leftover love in the freezer if you get cold."

"No-brainers [10w] No-brainers are challenging enough for people with no fucking brains."

"Part of the appeal of the fantastic is taking ridiculous ideas very seriously and pretending they're not absurd."

"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."

"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

"You tell me you love me, but I’m not sure you know what love is, or how fast it flies, or how much it resembles a UFO, or what kind of weapon you’d use to shoot it down."

"So this is it,"said Arthur, "We are going to die.""Yes,"said Ford, "except... no! Wait a minute!"He suddenly lunged across the chamber at something behind Arthur's line of vision. "What's this switch?"he cried."What? Where?"cried Arthur, twisting round."No, I was only fooling,"said Ford, "we are going to die after all."

"He's not doing anything he shouldn't be doing, right?""Like what?""Like hitting on you.""Ew. No, of course not. He doesn't see me that way."Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee."What? You think he does?""Sometimes he looks at you a little... oddly, that's all. Maybe you're right. Maybe he just wants you for your blood.""Again, Ew! What's with you this morning?""Not enough coffee."

"They should make bubblegum that tastes like mashed potatoes. You know, for lovers."

"I’ll give you 50% off for half a year, or 100% off for a whole year. At these bargain discount prices, my love won’t last forever."

"If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?"

"I sell Ziploc bags. They’re not empty—they’re full of hope."

"Out of love for mankind, and out of despair at my embarrassing situation, seeing that I had accomplished nothing and was unable to make anything easier than it had already been made, and moved by a genuine interest in those who make everything easy, I conceived it as my task to create difficulties everywhere."

"Dysfunctional vs. You're One Fucked Up Bitch [10w] "Causing pain's the only way you know how to love."

"It was amazing how many books one could fit into a room, assuming one didn't want to move around very much."

"Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic."