#humor

"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."

"I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think."

"Minimum Wage [10w] Even trained bears couldn't bear working for bare minimum wage."

"Hell may have all the best composers, but heaven has all the best choreographers."

"Murphy hung up and I said, to the still-open line, "Hey, if you've got someone watching my place, could you call the cops if anyone tries to steal my Star Wars poster? It's an original."Then I vindictively hung up on the FBI. It made my inner child happy."

"Pale Oak Leaves Scatter Pale oak leaves scatteraround my father's grave."For this I pay $30/month maintenance?"

"But the goal of the arts, culinary or otherwise, is not to increase our comfort. That is the goal of an easy chair."

"There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine."

"Finally, from so little sleeping and so much reading, his brain dried up and he went completely out of his mind."

"Really, I'm trying to care, Artemis, really. But I thought it was all supposed to be over when the fat lady sings. Well, she's singing, but it doesn't appear to be over"

"You can run from the grave, but you can't hide."

"Consolation [10w] Man finds consolation in love, laughter and Ben & Jerry's."

"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat."

"I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying."

"You won't even take your bow? Are you planning to throttle a moose with your bare hands, then?""I've a knife in my boot,"she said, and then wondered, for a moment, if she could throttle a moose with her bare hands."

"Say 'provoking' again. Your mouth looks provocative when you do."

"Dating Asian Her Kung Fu style was not too bad,but at doggie style she had me had."