#humor

"His hair isn’t turning gray—it’s turning silver, and it’s going up in value. Aging is the best hedge against an inflationary fiat currency."

"Pain produces progress. So if you truly love me, you will try to hurt me as much as you can. If you really want me to grow as a person, you will water me with betrayal, abuse, neglect, derision, thievery, and possibly even torture."

"Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?"All the time."

"Everybody finished the song at different times. At last, only the Weasley twins were left singing along to a very slow funeral march."

"Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one."

"Epiphanies [10w] Epiphanies aren't intuitions of new ideas;they're rearranging existing information."

"Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television."

"For others, in spite of myself, from myself."

"Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it."

"Have you ever noticed how ‘What the hell’ is always the right decision to make?"

"Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance. No one in this world, so far as I know—and I have researched the records for years, and employed agents to help me—has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. Nor has anyone ever lost public office thereby."

"Put your middle finger and your thumb together. And make it snappy."

"Nebraska State Motto Equality before the law.Where Monsanto/GMO corn is above the law."

"War [10w] Fight wars not to win, but so our enemies don't."

"What's in it for me?' A selfish person doesn't become compassionate as the result of some words of wisdom or epiphany. The selfish need selfish reasons to act unselfish."

"The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid, worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way."

"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally."