#humor

"Leo: I'm almost out of gas! Woah, that came out wrong. I meant the burning kind!"

"Years from now, when I'm successful and happy, ...and he's in prison... I hope I'm not too mature to gloat."

"Flood of Feeling {Couplet} A flood of feeling is a poem,created from daydreaming in the zone.The levees break, emotions snake,from imagination's ocean who sets the stakes."

"I have only made this letter longer because I have not had the time to make it shorter."(Letter 16, 1657)"

"Look! A trickle of water running through some dirt! I'd say our afternoon just got booked solid!"

"Mingling Defined [10w] Superficial people engaging with superficial people on a superficial level."

"You can’t buy love, it’s true. However, I am offering mine for rent. Buy one year and get the next six months at half price."

"To say she was my girlfriend was absurd: no one the wrong side of thirty has a girlfriend… I suppose I ought to have realize it’s ominous that forty thousand years of human language had failed to produce a word for our relationship."

"I can envision your success all day long, but until you imagine its reality, it’s not going to happen. So what are you waiting for? Start daydreaming."

"The road to enlightenment is long and difficult, and you should try not to forget snacks and magazines."

"My girlfriend is a party girl angel who can kick some arse and cook."

"I didn't know that idiocy caused people to just start spontaneously bleeding from the nose."

"Well then,"Roen said briskly, "are you sleeping?""Yes.""Come now. A mother can tell when her son lies. Are you eating?""No,"Brigan said gravely. "I've not eaten in two months. It's a hunger strike to protest the spring flooding in the south.""Gracious,"Roen said, reaching for the fruit bowl. "Have an apple, dear."

"I must be a great leader because many people follow me. Most of the people are police officers, if that gives you any indication of my character."

"I want to be the founder of a #startup app called Quid Pro Squid. No idea what it will do, but if I can get enough users, VC money will flow."

"Crest Toothpaste: Look, Ma, no cavities!... ...that'll really piss off the TSA agents looking for contraband."

"So, please, oh please, we beg, we pray, go throw your TV set away, and in its place you can install, a lovely bookcase on the wall."

"If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised."

"A passport, as I'm sure you know, is a document that one shows to government officials whenever one reaches a border between two countries, so that the official can learn who you are, where you were born, and how you look when photographed unflatteringly."

"The good, the bad, and the ugly basically sums up my sex life. Except that I’ve never had the good."