#humor

"Do you want some fresh tomato soup to go? I’ll put it in a mesh strainer. Oh, if only love were as easy to contain as soup in a strainer."

"I had a boyfriend who told me I’d never succeed, never be nominated for a Grammy, never have a hit song, and that he hoped I’d fail. I said to him, ‘Someday, when we’re not together, you won’t be able to order a cup of coffee at the fucking deli without hearing or seeing me."

"The problem I have with all this religion stuff is that I can't relate to it. I think most people got into 'cos it gave them something to do on a Sunday, but since all the shops are now open it isn't required as much."

"Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?"

"If sharks really can smell blood, then I’d imagine they’re all salivating over my erection right now."

"I wrote you a love letter, and I sent it snail mail. Love is forever, and that’s about how long it’ll take to get to you."

"I’m famous for my Shepherd’s Pie. Here’s my recipe: lamb, potatoes, cheese, peas, paprika, and a wool-covered apron for the chef/shepherd/wolf-like politician to wear while serving the sheeple up."

"Preston, I don't think this creature could ever find its way into your head. Quite apart from anything else, it seems pretty crowded and complicated to me."

"Begin at the beginning,"the King said, very gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop."

"What happened to your tan?"--Fang"It was dirt."--Max"

"Would Crazy Horse have spent this much to remodel a kitchen?"

"Even on the most solemn occasions I got away without wearing socks and hid that lack of civilization in high boots"

"Metamorphosis [10w] Change. Become the butterfly.Don't stay a caterpillar with wings."

"I love Guns N’ Roses. Reminds me of the last time I tried to pick flowers from my neighbor’s garden."

"I want to spend less time talking about myself, and more time listening to what other people have to say about me."

"Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws."

"I had a dream about you last night.. You were in the amazon rain forest yipping like a dog."

"James - "Are you paying attention or just trying to make me look like an idoit?"Elizabeth - "Oh, I'm definately paying attention. If you look like an idiot it has nothing to do with me."

"Love waits patiently. In the lobby. I’ll be with you as soon as I can."

"I had a dream about you last night. We watched pornography together, but purely for the storyline."