#humor

"I had a dream about you last night... You turned red, then green, and then blue. You told me you were trying to fit in with the m&m's."

"I sleep when I blink. I dream like I love—continuously."

"My brain is divided into two butterflies, and both are in love with your rose-shaped heart. If you've got the garden, I've got my whole life."

"Mercy vs. Revenge "May God have mercy on my unfaithful, back-stabbing, adulterous husband because I sure as hell won't."

"Scientifically Proven [10w] Mariah Carey has a brain the size of a walnut."

"good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere"

"This paper, by its very length, defends itself from ever being read."

"Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car."

"Memories [10w] Spend half your life creating memories,the other half, remembering."

"Busch Beer: Head for the mountains... [10w] ...and fall off the precipice shitfaced."

"Poetry and Dogs [10w] Poetry and dogs make the best companions.Don't trust dogs."

"Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."

"It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food."

"1953 It seems the world has gone downhill since the year Sir Edmund Hillary climbed Everest."

"Sometimes you remind me a lot of James. He called it my 'furry little problem' in company. Many people were under the impression that I owned a badly behaved rabbit."

"Note to Self: Patent #10w Diving Mask for fish filled with water when oceans disappear."

"Do not do that again,"he said stiffly."Don't kiss me back then,"I retorted.He stared at me for what seemed like forever. "I don't give 'Zen lessons' to hear myself talk. I don't give them because you're another student. I'm doing this to teach you control.""You're doing a great job,"I said bitterly."

"I need a Caution: Slippery When Wet sign, because I just spilled my ego all over the floor."

"If somebody says 'I love you' to me, I feel as though I had a pistol pointed at my head. What can anybody reply under such conditions but that which the pistol holder requires? 'I love you, too'."

"Dreams like a podcast,Downloading truth in my ears.They tell me cool stuff.""Apollo?"I guess, because I figured nobody else could make a haiku that bad.He put his finger to his lips. "I'm incognito. Call me Fred.""A god named Fred?"