#humor

"Growing marijuana is like having a Pharmacy Farm, and of all the drugs, the ones from Mother Nature are the best."

"I watched the leaves change colors, and I thought, “People do that too. Their hair changes color as they age.” I remember that as my grandpa got older, his hair went from green to yellow to red, like a traffic light, only with slightly less honking."

"Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers."

"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."

"I saw him do a No More Potatoes Dance, after he saw me stuff the last of the mashed potatoes in my pocket."

"Drinking coffee is like drinking an inverse yawn. I prefer mine with two spoonfuls of “I’m listening."

"Ruth Whither thou goest, I will go ~as long as it's to the mall.I heard Dillard's is having an 80% off sale!"

"Poison!"Grover yelped. "Don't let those things touch you or...""Or we'll die?"I guessed."Well...after you shrivel slowly to dust, yes.""Let's avoid the swords,"I decided."

"Evil [10w] Believing you're evil sets into motion the wheels of self-destruction."

"I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q."

"To get him to agree, I put a gun to his head. To get him to not change his mind, I blew out his brains."

"This is Leo. I'm the... What's my title? Am I like, admiral, or captain, or...""Repair boy.""Very funny, Piper."

"He had a bleeding cut on his leg and he smelled like shit.Her nose wrinkled. "Step in something?"she asked innocently."That I did not mind."He took a menacing step toward her. "What I did mind was being hit by a cab, then landing on the lap of a naked man. With an erection, Anya. He had an erection."

"The Theist tells us that the truth is god exists,the Atheist tells us that the truth is there is no god,while the truth tells us we don't know."

"Go with your Gut Our eyes, our mind plays tricks.Our love muscle, our heartchooses blindly and impulsively.But our gut,ahh, our gut,always makes the wise choice ~and goes straight for the burning hot pocketsfresh out of the microwavebecause our mouthsahh, our mouths,never needed a roof in the first place."

"If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever."

"The difference between you and everyone else, is everyone else. And that’s a lot, so you should feel special."

"She said love her or be tortured by her. I replied, "Torture would be less painful."She didn't realize that I'm a true romantic."

"Be Careful What You Wish For More often than not,a dream come true is a nightmare-in-the-making."

"Reality continues to ruin my life."